Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
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Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.