@robfee

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

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@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@QwertyJones3

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

@JimNorton

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

@copymama

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

@Reverend_Scott

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

@seamusmckracken

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

@Peauxtassium

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

@TheBoydP

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

@WritePlay

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

@Maxine12333

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.