[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Called it
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.