[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands


“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.


My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.


TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm


I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.


You could’ve cut the atmosphere with a knife; disapproval radiated from every doorway. I’d missed cat feeding time by two hours.


[sinking boat]


ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!


The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.