employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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I can either be on time or wearing pants.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.
If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours
Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here…..
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?