@murrman5

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

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@EJGomez

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

@Darlainky

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

@Annekinns

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

@Eric_Bader

Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

@jen_says_nah

If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours

Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here…..

*pizza stays

*happy tears

@UnFitz

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

@mommajessiec

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?