Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
You Might Also Like
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?