Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.


Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Wife: WHAT?!
Me: what what??


Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]


I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.


Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton


The second world war should have been called world war returns


Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy


Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.


cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today


8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before