Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My sex drive has a dui