WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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can’t believe I got front row seats
Hi. I’m Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight