[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me