[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
God has left this place
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”