[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
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Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch