[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

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me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.


I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.


I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.


GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?


me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there


My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.


[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?


Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.