@daemonic3

[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder

me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

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@wjflowers

“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.

@HiddenPinky

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

@darksidedeb

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

@cravin4

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

@jonnysun

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

@e4moji

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

@TheAndrewNadeau

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@aveuaskew

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food