my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold