[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
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According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Harsh but fair
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I need to update my racial profile.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!