[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
#Caturday
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Stick it to the man