#StillHurts
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When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Employees must applaud the planets.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.