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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible