Home invasion 2019 : this is awful and terrifying… OMG I can’t believe this is happening!
Home invasion 2020 : ohhhh heeyyyy … so did y’all wash your hands?

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Interviewer: would you you call yourself a hard worker?

Me:absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.


Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.


What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.


I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”


One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.


Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.


Don’t ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can’t be tempted….

Because Satan’s game is strong


Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people