[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising