Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
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me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick