Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
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Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
You can’t rush stupid.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.