I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
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[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next t
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.
why don’t grocery stores participate in black friday?? i don’t need 20% off a flatscreen – give me half price tide pods and $1 coffee creamers and then you better believe i’ll be at the doors at 3am
The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!