Home is where your toilet is.
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There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit