Home is where your toilet is.

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My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now


just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston


Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.


[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?


OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.


My neighbor hates preparing food for his horses with his son, coz the boy always finds ways to mess things up.

So instead, he’ll ask the boy to polish his shoes to keep him busy, and then he’ll hurry to the stables to work. He makes hay while the son shines


My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.


*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”


Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed…while married women come home see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.