[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
no
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.