“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
ok like just. call me at this point
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail