Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
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Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember