Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
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Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I’ve had relationships like this
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.