How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
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Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I like playing with my dog when I’m high. Because I don’t have one when I’m sober.
“Your breathing holes are very nicely shaped”
Flirting is so easy
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.