Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

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How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?


[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed


I like playing with my dog when I’m high. Because I don’t have one when I’m sober.


[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.


Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.


Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid


It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly


There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.