Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
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[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.