@MarfSalvador

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

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@moose_chocolate

How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

@thedadonline

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

@OutrageousM

I like playing with my dog when I’m high. Because I don’t have one when I’m sober.

@TheRealPalMal

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

@PineapplePtart

Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.

@aytdao

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

@Rica_Bee

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

@TheBoydP

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.