@Dawn_M_

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

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@sofarrsogud

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

@ndiquote

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

@Cheeseboy22

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

@TheMichaelRock

Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

Beep.

@rachelle_mandik

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

@iamspacegirl

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

@nealbrennan

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.