Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
broke down and did it
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.