Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.