Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan
I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all