Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I put the p in pants.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
me 2 months after i graduated
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later