i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
<—- homeless romantic
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Me: bless me father for I have sinned.
Priest: how long since your last confession my son?
Me: about 45 minutes ago…
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i’ll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types “job openings” into google]
God: got bears?
God: got birds?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT