@fillthevacuum

<—- homeless romantic

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@electrolemon

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

@ItsMrWoody2U

Me: bless me father for I have sinned.

Priest: how long since your last confession my son?

Me: about 45 minutes ago…

@Jake_Vig

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

@LlamaInaTux

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

@ramblinma

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

@skedaddle74

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

@respected_loner

whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i’ll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types “job openings” into google]

@justokdane

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

@jonnysun

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT