Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
You Might Also Like
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Just why bro?!
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
bias laundering edition
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you