[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)