[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

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Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot


I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.


[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy


Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.


I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.


The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.


My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.


When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.


[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T: *slides me a lollipop*