Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture