Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?