Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.