Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
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i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”