@antheanton

Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!

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@AmishPornStar1

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

@MsCassieDaniels

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

@XplodingUnicorn

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

@SvnSxty

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

@UnFitz

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

@sixfootcandy

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

@VanGobot

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

@SketchesbyBoze

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

@girl_a_whirl

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.