oh you wanna fight?!
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Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*limbos away from your hug*
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
mood
bears
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA