If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!
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Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him: Which half?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“You snooze, you lose.”