[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
This kid is going places
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Customer is always right