Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
your honor my client chooses dare
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it