[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
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*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.