Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.