Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
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I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Say it ain’t so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Cotton Eye Joe
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.