Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
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14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem