@HuffPostComedy

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need

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@quintabrunson

Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.

P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.

@WittySassBasket

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

@FatherWithTwins

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

@johnbiehl

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

@alovablenerd

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

@david8hughes

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

@mrjohndarby

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*