Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?