@YoungNobler

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

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@mydmac

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

@Elizasoul80

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

@weinerdog4life

Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.

@Lisabug74

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

@PaperWash

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

@danguterman

According to WebMD, I have a Client Error due to 400 Bad Request.

@northernlivng24

8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss

8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal

@dadthatwrites

If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?

@CrockettForReal

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

@iGreenMonk

Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.