Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

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According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.


Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.


Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.


Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.


teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol


me: hey what the f-


According to WebMD, I have a Client Error due to 400 Bad Request.


8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss

8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal


If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?


My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year


Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.