Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Previously On Persistence 😎
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite