Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I鈥檓 so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
what鈥檚 something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
You never know how strong you are鈥ntil your power steering goes out.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
motivation
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
The Internet wins again..馃憞馃憞馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃憦馃憦
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don鈥檛 worry there鈥檚 plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Such a stupid sign! Babies can鈥檛 read
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”