Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased