honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date