I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Finally, an instrument I can play!
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”