Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Passed by a old school Math example today.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.