Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
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Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?