Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.